txt | tuesday, jan 12, 2021

morning sweets! just saw mom before they took her down. good spirits. she says thank you for the wellwishes 🤞🤞🤞

settled into the waiting room now. surprisingly decent coffee. 7/10. hope you have a good day today!

[1] good morning my darling. i'm so glad you slept extra sweet. i dreamed you and i were the size of thumbelina and we lived in a giant prayer plant. every night the leaves would close around and keep us safe from nightime terrors.

[2] but now i LOOK like a night time terror!!

[3] sending good vibes ahead of your mom's surgery today, but please let me know if i can send anything ELSE? flowers? chocolates? a manual on navigating hospital beaurocracy?

[4] ADDITIONALLY, please do let me know: is brad REALLY cheating on jen?

well hello there beautiful lady. as long there are no praying mantises in this praying plant that sounds like a very nice home for tiny us indeed

let's not bring fire into our teeny tiny garden home!

we'll send the mantes (??) up to pray in their temples

can't have me getting ideas about that primo nyc public school pension

oh i bet that's a pretty little nest egg they're sitting on there 🥴 but how are you and jon getting along? everything okay there?

we're sitting in very peaceful silence. don't worry. lots of practice. we're real good at it.

worrying is in my nature, and i am absolutely going to continue to worry.

also good morning for realsies. tell me what you're wearing today. really paint me a picture.

well i haven't gotten dressed yet (still lazing in bed enjoying the silvers of early morning sunlight with my coffee), but i'm thinking lots of blue, because i missed you very much last night and i'd like to feel closer to you today.

blue dress, blue bra, little blue panties.

i'll play blue suede shoes on my way to work on account of not owning a pair. hair's not cooperating today so it's going in a bun.

think we have enough stamina to make gazfest an annual tradition?

but also, SWEETIE. did you pack your down jacket? beanie? gloves? if you come back missing fingers from frostbite...i'll still love you and your little nubs but i'll be very cross at you.

good puppy 🌚 get those long lean legs of yours nice and limber and i'll start memorizing some new weird karma sutra positions in advance. (you know i love to study!)

gonna file this away for later times when i'm not in a waiting room that smells weirdly like nothing

oh you mean you don't want to sext in the middle of a hospital waiting room? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

careful, young lady. i could take this as a challenge. (i won't. but i could. haven't forgotten about those blue panties.)

if you behave yourself all day, i'll give you a little peek later tonight when you're tucked away safely in your hotel room.

something to look forward to at the end of this terrible awful very long day.

when are you chatting to your neighbor?

later today. once mom's out. gotta find a reason to get the key to the house and go by there without making jon cagey. he still thinks like a fucking cop so.

good luck hon. is he there with you today?

four seats away. but he doesn't know how to work with his phone so he's gotta rely on brad & jen for entertainment

tell him your internet doesn't work at your hotel and you need to get some work done sending bad guys to jail? how do you lie to an ex policeman!!! my palms are sweating just thinking about it.

it's very, very tricky. but i've got a couple hours to think about it.

also my mom's surgeon is young. maybe younger than me. not much and she seems to know her shit. but still. it's just weird to be older than doctors right?

so so weird. my age biases immediately flare up with doctors, it's terrible. i expect my surgeons to be scary and intimidating and wizened and have at least 100+ ops under their scrubs.

thank you. this makes me feel less like an a-hole. she is a little scary and intimidating though. definitely she could beat me in a fight

and then she could stich you right back together. you're only really an a-hole if you believe the first awful thought, you know?

i like this logic very much. speaking of a-holes...seen roger this morning? did you tell him what's what?

i think my therapist told me

you're only responsible for your second thought and your first action

v sage advice. and you know what? i DID see roger today, except he saw me first and made an immediate hard left on his heel and walked straight into the men's room.

second thought and first action though. i like that. your therapist sounds very smart

...does your therapist not offer sessions over the phone?

some will even video chat, darling.

once or twice. it's honestly no more strange than lying on a sofa and vomiting out your promblems to someone sitting across the room. and i think

i mean it's probably good to have your therapist on call at the moment, right?

all things considered.

you sound reluctant. what're you thinking?

weird in what sense? awkward?

can you elaborate on that? ineffective how?

are we still talking about remote therapy? or...therapy in general.

it will get easier. it feels hard, and weird, and impossible right now, but i've known you a very long time, sweetheart, and i don't think 'can't' even exists for you. you're very good at succeeding at things you put your mind to, and therapy doesn't have to be any different from, say, getting your j.d. with a newborn in the stroller.

i didn't do anything! but you know i'm always here if you ever need to talk any of this stuff out, ok? there are days i STILL want to cancel therapy because i'm so terrified of what will or won't come up in the session. it's totally normal.